Becoming Me

The patterns of our lives help define us. We can change our patterns, if we choose to. Here’s a poem about one of my patterns….

As a child, …
Told what to do
Sees what others are doing
And I do what I’ve been told

As a teen, …
It doesn’t quite fit
I’m not even sure it doesn’t fit
But, I don’t know what to say or do differently
I can’t hear myself or see myself doing something differently
I don’t see another way
I just know, in my bones, it doesn’t fit
I squirm, I ache, the college form is requiring that I declare
Who am I and what do I want?
Must I choose the rest of my life now?

Nothing shows up to show me the way,
No one I knew had gone before me,
No mentors, no partners, no friends, no family
Everyone I knew (with whom I could talk) was a teacher or wife
Isn’t there something more?
What to do, how to do it, when to do it
Why should I do it differently (even if I knew what it was)?
I think I’m not smart enough, I’m scared, I don’t know what to do
I have fear every time I think of doing something different
No one I know would approve
I am alone
So, I do what I’ve been told
I do what I’ve seen
I do what others are doing and
I do it by myself

"Young girls need to see role models .... You can't be what you can't see."
- Sally Ride

 
As a young adult, …
I struggle
I persist
I work hard
I try and try
I try what I’ve been told to do
Nothing comes easy
It’s not fun or joyful
I feel alone in my struggle
I think it’s supposed to be that way because it’s always been that way
I’ve been told “life is a struggle”
So, I’m acting my part

And then, I get exhausted
I get sick
I get divorced
I get therapy - help for a robot (as I call myself)
I have no feelings, no passion, no joy, only fear of stopping what I’m doing and what that would mean (which I never take the time to put into words)
So, I continue trying, working hard, plugging away at the doing what I’ve been told
Waiting for the rewards through the clarity of my adopted dreams - money, acknowledgement, thanks, appreciation, promotion, an opportunity to breathe easier, a feeling of progress, friends, family, fun, joy, happiness
But, the rewards don’t come
I try another job, another business, another city, another relationship - ANOTHER
And the pattern persists

In middle age, …
The therapy continues - different therapies, different healers, different programs and books that begin to chip away at the limited vision
And, I look inward and explore
I read some more, I write, I talk and talk
And begin to understand where I’ve come from and what to do

At first, I’m horrified, embarrassed and angry
The layers of confusion peel away and I begin to see
To know myself
To trust myself
To feel good about my survival and forgive myself
I’m evolving into a new way of being
I know it’s a process and will most likely take the rest of my life
I can see bits and pieces and at times, I can even enjoy the not knowing
I’ve come to rely on my intuition leading me, telling me, showing me
I can do this myself, and I’m proud of that
But, I think there are others
Who are lost, are living an adopted dream, or are ready to become their real selves
I want to find a community of me’s
I’m ready
I’ll find a way!

We’d love to hear about your journey. What have you done or experienced to learn more about yourself?  Email info@sandboxology.com your story!